sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
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