An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
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