Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
I'm sitting in the middle of them on his bed, forcing them to watch Brokeback Mountain. I am the best cock blocker ever.
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Please come quick there are people in suits here judging me
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
Randomize
