Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
As planned I took it to the limit. Then we met a new limit. Now they are limit friends.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
