I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
