she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
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I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
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He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
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