you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
This santa hat i wore to the bar, served it's dual purpose as a vomit bag.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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