i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
3 a.m. laundry plus 100 proof peppermint schnapps does not turn out well. Not only is there a puddle of detergent outside the laundry room that I spilled, but my clothes were found in the dryer wit a box of Franzia and a 40. Good thing I was too drunk to turn it on.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
He spelled Steven with "ph", needless to say my nose was almost bleeding from the amount of axe he was wearing.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Randomize
