i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
You cant use biscuit as a chaser
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Randomize
