My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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