well most of my day revolves around power hour
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
The timing couldn't have been better if I planned it. His mom walked away, I vomited in their mulch, and then his mom came back and offered me bread.
You'd think if the campus holds 28,000 undergrad I wouldn't run into three people I've hooked up with in one day
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
I paid your brother in tostitos to drive me home.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
