morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
The chips are stabbing my teeth, and I can feel the muscle under my mouth contracting.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
He then used a box cutter I keep in my car to open the plan b. Who says chivalry is dead?
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
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