Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
Oh no that was the time I did the walk of shame with no shoes
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
i think im in europe. pls send help
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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