He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...
your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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