Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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