Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
