speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
I DON'T EVEN KNOW ONE MINUTE IM SITTING HER THE NEXT IM FLYING PASSED THE MOON
PISSING MYSELF IN ZERO GRAVITY
THOSE AIN'T STARS U SEE TONIGHT GURL
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever