If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
