That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
I'm making progress with her.. She actually looked at me today and gave me a dirty look. Things are going real good.
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
