Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Cute you're picking friends over dick. I feel like this is the trailer for a lifetime movie.
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Randomize
