Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I found a fried uncrustable on the table from last night.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
