I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
My neck feel like I've been sucking Goliath's dick.
Turns out naked twister is less fun than it sounds. I can never look Lee in the eye again. But Aimee's boobs are glorious.
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