Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there
Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Randomize
