I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
he keeps his weed in a birkenstock shoe box. its like, we get it, youre from oregon.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
I can't believe I left out the part about him peeing on the side of Route 2 at 3 a.m. while wearing a dress.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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