Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
