Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
