xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
