Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Can i not drive my cunt home
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
