i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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