this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
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Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
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Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
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