a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
Come to office depot with me I need help picking out a daily planner that will help me keep all of my casual sex dates organized.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Randomize
