I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
He was going down on me as I discovered a spaghetti-O on my boob. Its been a while since I faked it.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
