I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
So how was last night?
Let's just say I danced with the devil
Huh?
I'm going to Hell for sure
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
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