Anthony wouldn't know good sex if it sat on his face
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...
Here's my first problem: I'm drunk
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
Randomize
