I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
