the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.
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Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
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I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
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