What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
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