So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
