you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
idk whats worse playing power hour to yourself, or the fact that you were having fun while doing it
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
