Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia
One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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