We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I just love that it's Veterans Day because I know in my heart that I have serviced some of their brethren in the dirtiest, hottest, most shameful ways possible.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
Randomize
