Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
My dog is now used to me drunk singing and sleeps through it. I don't know how I feel about this
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
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