I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
She drank my rum. I had sex in her bed and didn't wash the sheets. We're even.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
