My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
