it wasn't lemon gatorade
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
question. what would be the least awkward way to ask your one night stand if he came inside of you because you would really prefer not to have his illegitimate lovechild. hypothetically.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
