just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize
