so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
New discovery: your vibrator works on my balls. Technology is wonderful I love the future
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
