I hate your face
So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
