I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
ya I went to the grocery store literally just for cheese and condoms
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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