we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
his butt looks cute in my panties so i decided he has to wear panties all the time from now on.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I cannot belive our party caught on fire
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
What happened last night? I just woke up and there's like 15 mcflurry cups on the floor
You don't remember stealing them?
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