I want to have your abortion
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
Sorry I need more motivation then McDonalds and mojitos.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
