just saw 2 fat kids fight for the last slice of pizza. Litteraly fight. God Bless America
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
We had on the same team jersey so at the time it made sense to hook up.
Duh.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
