my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I want to be your penis for a week.
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
