I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
Hypothetical question: how bad would bacardi be as an IV drip?
death...100% death...what r u planning.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
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