You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
