Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize