SEEEEXXX PLEASE
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
